Let’s talk race, shall we? When it comes to my race, I am black and white…mixed. In my experience, one mixed person, depending on where they grew up, may have been mistaken for Hispanic or Native American while another person was assumed to be a white person with an olive tan. One of the issues I’ve experienced is not having someone within the public eye that I can latch onto that understands my struggle and upbringing. Thus, I would gravitate towards people who look nothing like me and have things that they can never have.

I remember when the first Jurassic Park movie came out, but I mostly remember going to Blockbuster to pick up the VHS. I would sit and watch that movie over and over and over again. I couldn’t get enough of it. Of the many things I admired about the movie, I mostly admired the character Alan Grant who was played by Sam Neill. I found myself latching onto him and his different features, namely his brown flowing hair. I was 10 or 11 years old and my hair was black, curly, and soft. I never had any issues with my hair. But I did want my hair to have the ability to slicked back or slicked to the side just like what I saw in Jurassic Park (now that I think about it, I should have latched on to Jeff Goldblum’s character because he had those big curly locks).

One night before I got in the shower, I decided that tonight was the night.  I got in the shower, probably after another sitting of Jurassic Park, and I got my hair really wet and soapy. I used my hand comb it back. To my hand, it felt exactly how I wanted it to look and was so proud of my newfound look. But once I stepped out of the shower and looked in the mirror, I realized my reality.  I simply made my curls flow in the opposite direction and were sticking up. There was no way I could have my hair slicked back to match that of Sam Neill. At the time, it was a tough pill to swallow. I couldn’t have something that my favorite character had. This reminds me of a video I saw of a little Asian girl watching the movie Hamilton and locking on to another Asian character in the movie. The little girl says that’s me. After my realization with Sam Neill, I’ve never found myself saying something like that about anyone else.

I will say that I had a similar feeling that the little girl had while at my first duty station. As a squadron, we were outside doing a morning workout. Suddenly, this taller brown skinned fellow comes to the front of the group to lead us in an exercise. Apparently, he had just come back from a deployment, and I’ve never seen him before. One of my friends standing next to me says how much we look like. From then on, I would watch him from afar. People seemed to like him, he seemed to be doing well within the military, and he just seemed to be a good person. I think it shined a light on representation and how it can really act as a motivator.  The fellow’s name is Terrence Green.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider being mixed a curse. It has allowed me to otherwise be included in groups and situations that I don’t think I would otherwise be a part of. Not to mention the blended cultures and perspectives I’m able to gain. Being what I am hasn’t been bad, I just had to learn and embrace what I have, even if I’m not able to emulate Sam Neill.