I’ve touched on the Air Force Honor Guard (AFHG) in a previous entry.  That place served as a real place of growth for me.  Not only did it help make me a better leader, but it helped me be a better person and, without knowing it, a better man.  By the time I got to the AFHG, my understanding of what it was to be a “man” was, to say the least, very foggy.  At that time, when I thought of manliness, my dad came to mind.  In my eyes, he was always the buff, tall guy that the ladies loved.  Since my self-esteem was in the gutter, I never considered myself ANY of those things and could NEVER be those things.  To me, parts of the AFHG exuded manliness and I would do everything I could to escape it.

Before I got to the AFHG, while new arrivals were in training, the leaders of those flights would select who was going to which flight.  Upon graduation, the member would discover where they were going and it was one of 3 flights:  Body bearers, colors, and the firing party.  When I arrived, things had drastically changed.   There were still three flights, but each flight had a mish-mash of folks who could do it all.  Since it removed the comrade from the individual flights, it was highly unpopular.  But for someone like me, it allowed me to have options.  Once I found out which mish-mash flight I was going to it was time to figure out which skill I would pursue.  Each previous flight/skill brought with it its own environment.  Colors were typically the tallest of the bunch, but also the goofiest (a term they held dear).  Firing party was chill and low-key.  Body bearers included the strongest of the bunch and (to me) oozed manliness.  Which group would I choose? Due to my size, I had the added benefit of choosing anywhere I wanted to be.  After working with each group, I decided to go with the firing party.  I really wanted to join the body bearers, but I didn’t believe I was strong enough or, more importantly to me, manly enough.  Although I could have improved my strength, but I didn’t think I could improve my manliness. 

After working with the firing party for some weeks, I was chatting with Wilk.  Wilk was an honor guard legend.  He had been there for many years, was a body bearer, and had seen it all.  He was easy to talk to, so I brought up my decision to go with the firing party.  He replied, “Yeah I thought you were going to join us as a bearer, but when I saw you out there firing, I thought, ‘Okay, I guess he decided to go with them.’” I was rocked.  Here I was not believing in myself and what I had to offer, but other men saw potential in me.  Potential that I wouldn’t allow myself to see.  I talked myself out of doing something I wanted, to the point that I didn’t believe I could fit in.  I was saddened because I had let myself down and robbed myself of growth because I was afraid.

In retrospect, and after plenty of thought, I asked myself, “Did I rob myself of growth?” Taking a long hard look at myself in mirror, asking myself what I considered manliness, and asking myself, “Who am I?” encouraged growth.  I don’t regret not pursuing the body bearer route, because it helped me to be own my own version of “manliness”.  I’m not the cowboy tackling cattle, the mechanic putting an engine together, or the bodybuilder oozing confidence.  I am who I am and being anything else would be a disservice to not only myself, but to those I influence.