Thinkin 'Bout Thinkin

Eat Drink Satisfy

October 4, 2021

The Usual

All people do as their days go by are eat drink and satisfy

It’s primal really, the mindset of the people here

Everyone must eat to survive to stay alive

But to feel alive they must drink their beer

Tough times are hard to endure

In order for her to relax some more, you give her something to drink

And to think that next in line is to satisfy

The women bare the most skin, even if they are with their kin

The men just want to lay with the hottest thing at the moment

For her to be wise isn’t a necessary component

Where is the vision or dreams of becoming bigger?

A unified goal to make everyone better, not just worrying about “me”

Dismal is the mindset of many, it’s tough to see

There might be a way, for now, it’s easier just watch your watch

To see the seasons change and the different generations come and go

It’s on them to change the mindset and to learn how to dream

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I Thought I Had Flowing Hair Like Sam Neill

September 22, 2021

The Usual

Let’s talk race, shall we? When it comes to my race, I am black and white…mixed. In my experience, one mixed person, depending on where they grew up, may have been mistaken for Hispanic or Native American while another person was assumed to be a white person with an olive tan. One of the issues I’ve experienced is not having someone within the public eye that I can latch onto that understands my struggle and upbringing. Thus, I would gravitate towards people who look nothing like me and have things that they can never have.

I remember when the first Jurassic Park movie came out, but I mostly remember going to Blockbuster to pick up the VHS. I would sit and watch that movie over and over and over again. I couldn’t get enough of it. Of the many things I admired about the movie, I mostly admired the character Alan Grant who was played by Sam Neill. I found myself latching onto him and his different features, namely his brown flowing hair. I was 10 or 11 years old and my hair was black, curly, and soft. I never had any issues with my hair. But I did want my hair to have the ability to slicked back or slicked to the side just like what I saw in Jurassic Park (now that I think about it, I should have latched on to Jeff Goldblum’s character because he had those big curly locks).

One night before I got in the shower, I decided that tonight was the night. I got in the shower, probably after another sitting of Jurassic Park, and I got my hair really wet and soapy. I used my hand comb it back. To my hand, it felt exactly how I wanted it to look and was so proud of my newfound look. But once I stepped out of the shower and looked in the mirror, I realized my reality. I simply made my curls flow in the opposite direction and were sticking up. There was no way I could have my hair slicked back to match that of Sam Neill. At the time, it was a tough pill to swallow. I couldn’t have something that my favorite character had. This reminds me of a video I saw of a little Asian girl watching the movie Hamilton and locking on to another Asian character in the movie. The little girl says that’s me. After my realization with Sam Neill, I’ve never found myself saying something like that about anyone else.

I will say that I had a similar feeling that the little girl had while at my first duty station. As a squadron, we were outside doing a morning workout. Suddenly, this taller brown skinned fellow comes to the front of the group to lead us in an exercise. Apparently, he had just come back from a deployment, and I’ve never seen him before. One of my friends standing next to me says how much we look like. From then on, I would watch him from afar. People seemed to like him, he seemed to be doing well within the military, and he just seemed to be a good person. I think it shined a light on representation and how it can really act as a motivator. The fellow’s name is Terrence Green.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider being mixed a curse. It has allowed me to otherwise be included in groups and situations that I don’t think I would otherwise be a part of. Not to mention the blended cultures and perspectives I’m able to gain. Being what I am hasn’t been bad, I just had to learn and embrace what I have, even if I’m not able to emulate Sam Neill.

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Home Yet?

August 30, 2021

The Usual

The visible sun has made way for the moon long ago

My younger sister is sleeping, I wonder if I should go to my bed too

I haven’t eaten since lunch was provided by my school

Where is he at? Will be bring with him food?

I’m playing a video game I’ve already beaten numerous times

Maybe I’ll find something new to fill my malleable mind

He must be saving the world, for this is the third night in a row

I hope the food he brings home isn’t cold

Where is he? Are parents typically this busy?

The parents of my friends make it look so easy

Hopefully we can chat before I go to bed

I do have school tomorrow, I’d much rather stay up instead

I hear an engine, I run to the window to check

Nope…false alarm. Just someone doing a U-Turn in the cul-de-sac

Where is he? Am I old enough or in a position to worry?

What can hold me over? I’m hungry. Maybe some seasoned salt, surely!

This is my normal. Waiting, video games, and seasoned salt

Is there someone to blame? Could I be at fault?

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I’m Always Asked Spare Change…I Must Have the Look of a Sucker

August 24, 2021

The Usual

If you had to take count of the amount of times you were asked for spare change over the last five years, what would your answer be? It’s a running joke with my family and friends that I get asked for money or favors quite often. I don’t know if I have a “kind-looking” face or the aura of someone that can be taken advantage of or nice, it’s only a matter of time before I get approached. I’ve gotten better at spotting them. From the way they watch others as they pass or how they linger. I have a couple of interesting run-ins.

I’m sitting outside of Chipotle in the parking lot. This location is a hotbed of folks either asking for money or for you to buy them a meal. I’m sitting in the truck and watching. People are coming and going, eager to remove their now mandatory masks once they exit. Here he comes… With a limp no less. His overall look is disheveled. He’s headed towards the door of my destination. I ordered ahead and it should be ready in ten minutes. He gets to one of the doors, looks around, sits, and begins. Begins what exactly? Well begins asking those eager to remove their mask if they have spare change. I don’t stand a chance because I’m in my military garb. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been asked for money at this location. I decide to leave in hopes that he’s no longer there when I get back.

I go back to my abode, complete a workout, shower, and get some rest. I head back to the parking lot (a cold burrito isn’t that bad). He is gone. I’m headed for the door. I’m inside. I grab my lukewarm burrito and walk out. Mission compl….”Hello! Can you help me? I’m visiting here and don’t have enough money to take the bus back to my hotel. Can you spare a couple dollars?” I locate a five dollar bill and hand it to her. I watch her walk away and she walks towards the bus stop. I avoided one only to be caught by another. Since I’m constantly asked for money or goods, I would think that they were everywhere. What do I present?

Another time I’m at a gas station. I just finished filling up, but need to find the perfect song in my phone before I leave the pump. A van pulls up on my passenger side. I see a man in the driver seat and his wife in the passenger. He waves. I point at my chest and point forward (the universal sign of, “You want me to move? Do I need to move?”) I put the truck in drive, but he gets out of his van and motions for me to roll my window down. I crack it. By the looks of him and his wife, they appear to be Middle Eastern. Based on his body language, I know he’s going to ask me for something, but what? He says that he’s on his way back to Miami, but he lost his wallet and needs help. He goes on to ask if I spare some money to help him and his family out? As a sign of good faith, he proceeds to take off his gold ring and hand it to me. I shrug and give him a five dollar bill. He shakes his head, proceeds to take off his gold bracelet and hands it to me. He’s very adamant. He says that five dollars won’t help him and his family complete his trip south. I find $40 and hand it over. Again, he shakes his head, turns to his wife who is already removing her golden necklace. He hands it to me and pleads for more money. I exhale deeply and tell them that I’ll go get some money for them from the ATM. I go inside of the gas station and take out $140. I hand it to him and he’s thankful, but I can tell that he was hoping for more. When I hand over the money, I attempt to hand him the jewelry that he gave him. I say, “Look, I’m not into jewelry like that. I know that I won’t wear it. Just take it back.” He absolutely refuses. I put it back in my pocket and walk back to my truck. I look in the van and his wife puts her hands together and nods saying thank you. I get back in my truck, find the song I was looking for and hit the road. These are a couple out of the many scenarios. Like I said, I’m not sure if I give off “kindness” vibes or “victim”, but it continues to happen. Since I genuinely want to be helpful, it can be difficult for me to tell these askers, “No, I can’t help you.” My struggle to say, “No.” is where the anxiety comes from. To help or not to help…that is the question.

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Educated?

August 15, 2021

The Usual

Look at me! I’ve earned a degree

I will be able to make money from my years of study

Yeah but are you happy? Did you only pursue

Something that you thought would make you a better “you”?

When did school become a feather in the hat

And stop being something to expand one’s head fat?

Having a certain degree is somehow

Equivalent to owning a Lamborghini

Can’t I just go to school and attend

The things I want or does there need to be an “end”?

Seeking knowledge has become a cash grab

Screw expanding your mind, what’s in your money bag?

Meanwhile the minions have bought into it

They’ll pursue the degree believing that they are better for it

And they’ll tout, “I’m getting my second masters!”

But I wonder who’s really the slave and the master…

Rare is the mind that has gotten the degree

In what they love….sadly….

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Jerk House

August 12, 2021

The Usual

Being a new homeowner is very much like meeting someone new, you are only able to get to know them over time. Last year, my wife and I moved into a townhouse. It’s served as lovely place to raise young children (minus the many staircases). This home was fairly old with creaky floors. It was like an old English television shows where every step and movement made a sound (which is great when you’re trying to put toddlers down for the naps they don’t want to take). Sometimes, the previous homeowner will leave guides and codes to the different appliances and systems that come with the house. Our previous homeowner did no such thing.

Like many other type of home security systems, when a door or window is opened, the system will notify you with either a couple beeps or a voice that something is now ajar (a great feature for naptime). Ours was pretty loud. One day, I was curious about how to turn the volume down. I had just put both kiddos down for a nap and wanted to enjoy my latest pipe. My wife was in the bedroom enjoying her alone time, so now’s the time! I googled how to accomplish this innocent goal. It appeared easy enough. Press #, 2, then 6. I can do that! I flip the panel to reveal the numbers and follow the instructions…#…2….but before I can press 6, the display says, “AWAY.” And begins to count down. It would seem that I have armed this dormant security system. My heart begins to beat faster. I press #, 2…nothing…it’s still counting down. I proceed to press #, 1…#, 3…#, 4….still count down and the countdown has stopped. I realize that the house thinks I’ve left and it’s armed.

I continue to press different combinations hoping to disarm the system. Nothing works. I shrug and begin to head up the first set of stairs and quickly learn where the motion sensors are. The system has picked up my movements and has begun to loudly countdown…7…

I race back down to the panel and press all combinations that I can think of…6….

I’m hoping that it isn’t too loud when it goes off….5

I google how to disarm the alarm system (google now probably thinks I’m planning a home invasion)….4

I’m really hoping it doesn’t wake the kids….2

Did it really skip a number?….1

Have you ever stood next to a passing train that was laying on the horn? The sound that followed reminded me of that. So incredibly loud. Now I’m in a full-on panic because I don’t want the kids to face this alarm clock from hell, but worse, I don’t want the calvary to arrive thinking that I’m the invader. I’m pressing everything. My wife meets me at the panel with a look that said, “What the hell are you doing down here?” I’m trying to explain what I was doing, but we are less than a foot from each other and can’t hear one another. I dial the ADT hotline number in hopes that they will magically flip a switch, turn off the crazy, and rescue me. I tell the person on the other end what’s going on and how I messed up. They ask for the code. I tell them that I don’t have it. They put me through to “technical support”. I hang up.

I come back to the panel to see my wife holding it and the noise stopped. She ripped it off the wall and saved the day….or so we thought. We take a sigh of relief, I thank her, and she shakes her head that says, “What am I gonna do with you?” We head up the stairs and are met with same incoming train. She yells, “Turn the power off to the house!” I get to the fuse box and flip everything as if it’s the end of my shift at Disney World and I’m ready to get home. The noise finally stops. I find the power source to the panel and disconnect all the wires. I turn the power back on, and we are finally in the clear. Thankfully the kids never woke up, but I couldn’t enjoy my pipe. There are plenty of lessons to take away from what happened, but the main one is…if this house were a person, it would be a jerk.

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Humble Pie

August 1, 2021

The Usual

Humility has been my partner on many different stages. One of my biggest moments of humility was also met with humiliation (do those go hand in hand?). I was a member of the Air Force Honor Guard Drill Team. To be a Ceremonial Guardsman is a great feat itself, but to become a member of the coveted drill team is even more exclusive. Egos are elevated and sometimes you fall into the “ego pit” and can’t help but think how great you really are. Countless hours of practice and repetition are required before you are considered prepared enough to perform for the public. Keep in mind, the drill team represents the precision of the Air Force. If the Air Force’s drill team is THIS spot on, then the Air Forces’ weapons of war must be just as precise, right?

My first public performance took place on Memorial Day during an Air Show on Andrews Air Force Base. It was a perfect day to toss weapons around. The sky was clear, it wasn’t too hot, and, most importantly, there was no wind. The nervousness and anxiety one feels when called upon to give a speech is comparable to how I felt. I felt ready, but questioned myself. Was I ready? It didn’t matter because we were marching out to applause and ‘the show must go on’. The performance begins and things were going well…until (notice the 50 second mark):

A teammate’s toss was MUCH higher than expected. I wasn’t prepared to catch it and didn’t. Dropping a weapon during a performance is considered “mission failure”. The team was put on display to be perfect and because of me, we weren’t. I wanted to blame my drop on my teammate’s toss, but I was the one who dropped it. Dropping that day stayed in the back of my head for the next year and I ended up dropping more. I was questioning myself.

As I continued to drop, I began to not only doubt myself, but believe my teammates were against me. If I had simply talked to them, it would have greatly reduced my performance anxiety and helped me believe and trust in my abilities. I realized humble pie can sometimes be served on a silver platter during serious, high-level business and very publicly. When the time came to move on to a different assignment and a different job, part of me was happy because my ego had taken quite the beating. The other part of me wished I could’ve stayed longer to redeem myself.

That experience generated quite a bit of personal growth, provided insights into how I self-sabotage and my lack of self-worth. I think back to stepping out to perform and how monumental I made the moment. If I had kept it in perspective, in relation to real world events and got out of my head, I would have performed better. If I had still managed to drop, at least I wouldn’t have treated it like an albatross. Because my ego was already bruised by lack of self-esteem it took leaving the Honor Guard to learn, in retrospect, that you miss cues by blaming others, ignoring helpful signs or mentally beating yourself up. It is okay to laugh at yourself and your mistakes, as long as you carry the lessons forward with you.

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My Boy…My Son…

July 31, 2021

The Usual

My son…I know you worry

It’s all much heavier than a flurry

Conquer those fears on your own

Stay away from those things that will claim to help you along

You may find peace in the booze

Or the pipe or pill, you choose

That peace is a disguise, fake

You’re really burying all that you think you hate

Know that your tender heart will ache

But won’t break, next time it’ll be harder to shake

Your curious eyes will look for an outlet

Believing you are something wrong, but don’t let

The mob convince you out of your heart

Be the lion so that you can be the sheep you really are

My boy… Continue to see and feel your way

For it’s always beautiful and I’ll be here to help you along your way

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The Customer is Arguing About Burnt Peanuts

July 22, 2021

The Usual

I’m at my local grocery store with my wife and two son getting ready to check out. “Oh no! I forgot to get chips! Get in line and I’ll be back.” Before I can reply, my wife is off. I’m next to the automatic belt and begin to place the items on the belt. Meanwhile, before the cashier can get to me, she’s attempting to finish up with a customer ahead of me. I hear the customer say, “No they are burnt peanuts. B-U-R-N-T. Burnt.” I glance at whose in front of me. It’s an older woman with a steady gaze. She’s flanked by her husband who has the look of someone who has had to sit through the spelling of basic words in a grocery store before.

I crouch down to the grab the diapers placed at the bottom of the cart to hide my laugh. “B-U-R-N-T.” She spells it again. My wife comes back with the chips. “Hey,” I tell her, “just wait and listen to the conversation in front of us.” Her eyes glance at them and nods. We continue offloading our items onto the belt. “No, they are burnt peanuts, B-U-R-N-T.” I look at my wife, who turns around to hide her laugh. I look at the cashier. She looks to be questioning future employment with this grocery chain.

Another cashier comes swooping in, poking at the same screen as the previous cashier looking for, what I can only assume to be, burnt peanuts. The woman spells it yet again, to no one’s surprise (especially her husband’s). They appear to figure it out because the woman proceeds to say, “Now these are burnt peanuts and those are roasted cashews.” I’m hoping she doesn’t start spelling ‘roasted’ or ‘cashews’.

The cashier finally finishes with them. We’re next. I grab the bag of charcoal in our cart and say to the cashier, “You know what’ll happen when I light these on fire? They will be….B-U-R-N-T.” She cracks a smile and my wife laughs. I tell her, “You have the patience of an angel.” We finish checking out and as we’re walking away, the cashier says, “Be careful while you’re grilling so that your food doesn’t end up, B-U-R-N-T…Burnt!”

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Thoughts On Naps

July 10, 2021

The Usual

I’m talking with a stranger about backyard duty. The afternoon’s sun is beaming down. It appears to be late summer in Texas (where I’m most familiar with late summers). Everything has a yellow/orange hue and there’s the buzzing of bugs that you can always hear but never see. The stranger tells me how he is jealous of the yard work that I was able to accomplish that day. I tell him that it wasn’t that big of an accomplishment and proceed to offer pointers. He shrugs as he sits down on a nearby bench looking at his phone. He’s dressed in typical summer attire: blue t-shirt, black shorts, and white shoes. I notice a black salamander running by his feet. I become hyper focused on the salamander and my view zooms in on it. Somehow, I’m able to see it breathing, its belly going in and out. As I’m looking at the salamander, I feel something crawling on my head? How could this be? I’m alone and there’s nothing near me. Little do I realize that all of these random conversations and feelings are all apart of a dream. But wait… if I “feel” something in this world, then something must be touching me in the REAL world, right!?!?

I erupt out of sleep and out of the comforts of my bed. What was just crawling on me?!?! Were the sensations in my dream that powerful? I begin to search the sheets and the pillows for an explanation of the sensation, but to no avail. Now I’m in a state of distrust. Do I risk going back to sleep and back to the mercy of the unknown creature? Can I trust my deep dream-like state to not generate spooky phantoms? The only thing that is certain in this moment is that it’s 3 in the morning and I should fight for 3 more hours of sleep. Off I go….

I’ve been in this mental position before. While living in a quasi-studio apartment (it was a fully furnished bottom floor of a 3 story townhouse), I was in a dreamlike state, only to be awoken by an odd sensation on my neck. Only this time, it was a very real Virginian centipede. If I’m able to feel a creature crawling across my “temple”, am I getting enough deep sleep? After doing some reading on sleep, it could really just be the way that I’m wired.

Aren’t naps lovely? I love a good nap. Somehow, not everyone feels the same way. Allison, of the Washington Post, wrote about naps in the following article below. She said how she would take naps, under the belief that she would feel better, only to wake up feeling as if she contracted the flu. Well it turns out “some adults are genetically predisposed to need more hours of continuous sleep than others”. It could simply be that I’m not good at maintaining deeper sleep, BUT am able to find deep sleep faster. That explains why some folks say they need 9 hours of sleep while others only need 5 hours (but always seem to disappear for 30 minute increments during the day and you notice their shoes in the bathroom stall during their absence). The scare of an unknown creature crawling on my noggin led me to believe that I should take more naps.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/naps-dont-work-for-everyone-genetic-differences-are-why/2020/03/06/fd3298aa-5a73-11ea-9000-f3cffee23036_story.html

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